N is for Nervous System

I had no knowledge, and probably very little regard for my nervous system. I am not even sure that I was consciously aware that I had one to take care of.

I understood physical fitness, I have fond memories of ‘Cindy Crawford The Next Challenge Workout’ VHS that I persuaded my parents to buy for me. Through the years I dabbled in spin, bodypump, bootcamps etc. I started them in a bid to look good, but I also knew over time that they were good for my mental health, punching things after a rough day at work made life seem more manageable.

Upon finishing my cancer treatment it was this level of activity that I tried to return to

Things that pushed me

Tired me

Depleted me

I could never quite sustain it, there was always an energy blip, an excuse, an exhaustion that would crop up just as was making progress. Cause me to berate myself, to be disappointed, feel unworthy, weak and lazy.

A spell somewhere around rock bottom, and some recommended reading material from wonderful and wise friends had me stumble on the basics of my nervous system, and start to look at things a little differently.

Trauma, Big T or little t can send us into fight or flight. This is when you have a physiological reaction in response to a perceived threat- historically a threat to survival (tick) but in the modern world, in the wrong headspace, this can be triggered by an email.

This response can become stuck

Stuck in the intense anxiety

Stuck in the danger

Stuck in the panic

It felt familiar

It had become my normal

It was normal

A common side effect of PTSD. A side effect of the disorder that was once associated with war veterans, with brave men who battled for their beliefs and made history. A disorder that we now realise can effect individuals experiencing any kind of trauma- anything that they as an individual experienced as a stressor. Unsurprisingly that would also cover an unexpected cancer diagnosis at 34 that shook you to your core.

I was gradually, over time being worn down by this feeling, I was loosing some of my fight, yet I had no energy for flight.

I was stuck

Stuck in a landscape that held no appeal, yet too exhausted to walk on.

So, ever the optimist (a quality I seem to have ingrained in me) I set out to explore the landscape, find a redeeming feature of, learn more.

What I was experiencing was normal, I was not broken beyond repair, nor were these the symptoms of a terminal illness, back to haunt me yet again. No, my nervous system was exhausted.

It needed to be heard, understood, nurtured. To be built back up slowly, piece by piece, with love and patience.

It needed rest and still. It needed sleep. It needed meditation and gentle movement. It needed nourishing and good nutrition. It needed reading and journalling. It needed peace and love. It needed family and friends. It needed solitude. It needed deep connected conversations with others in this realm. It needed all the beauty and calm of nature. It needed the evening sun and a river view. It needed grounding and earthing. It needed the sand beneath its toes and the grass beneath its feet. The appreciation of a sunset, a rainbow, new shoots in the soil.

I retreated and moved into a world of authors. I realigned my logic with Prof Steve Peters, James Clear, Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle. I better understood myself with Gabor Mate, Lalah Delia, Louise Hay, Nicky Sutton. I explored others’ traumas and emotions with Raynor Winn, Prince Harry, Pamela Anderson

I softened, and with that softness came expansion, the judgement, the opinions of what should be done, how one should respond, how one should carry themselves and parcel up this trauma so that it is more palatable for the world, more manageable for others to digest, they all melted away. And I was left with compassion

Wonder

Kindness

And yet again, that kindness allowed me to show it to myself. To understand fully what I had been through, to see that my current struggles were normal, somewhat expected, if not a little delayed thanks to my resilience.

My weeks now look like a self-care plan, they include sound baths, massage, acupuncture, long walks, yoga, cooking healthy meals.

I understand that my nervous system needs all of these things, on a regular and ongoing basis. The needs may change day by day, month by month, season by season as they so should. But it now has to be my priority, my driving force. Now weeks, months, years into this journey the wonderful thing is that I feel so amazing, so content, so strong, so rooted and peaceful in my being that there is no struggle in these things. I’ve created strong evidence to my mind, negative, positive or neutral that doing these things will put a spring in my step, a sparkle in my eye, a calm sense of knowing this too shall pass. And these things no longer carry a burden, feel like a chore, are part of an ego based to do list.

They flow, they are everyday, they are worthy of my time.

And I am worthy of my time, and my care.