C is for Counselling

Counsellors are like hairdressers, it takes a bit of time and some potential disasters before you find ‘the one’.

Counselling was my ‘gateway’ therapy if you like. I found myself at a time in my life where I wasn't where I wanted to be.

I didn’t know where I wanted to be, but I knew I had lost my way.

I felt out of touch with who I was and what I wanted in life.

Life felt hard, quite exhausting most of the time.

After a whirlwind few years, beautiful highs and gut wrenching lows, I need to stand still and regroup, have a little pause to take stock, slow things down a little so I could enjoy the view.

Not that I was this insightful at the time, my life was unravelling before my eyes and I was desperately looking for something to grab hold of. Lucky for me, someone who I hold in high regard mentioned that they’d had some counselling

I should see Gabrielle they said.

I don’t even think I made the appointment straight away; fate would have me cross paths with her and eventually, a couple of months later, I became a client of hers officially.

This will be over 3 years ago now and I still see her once a month for my hour (and then some….) of pure undivided attention for my very busy, super sensitive, introverted where possible, overthinking, high-achieving brain.

I’m addicted.

and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made.

We have some common ground, not dissimilar in age, location, family dynamic, which means I do feel my problems and life in general are understood, I feel seen by her.

Over time I have felt the trust and safety to allow me to be authentic, to discuss the messy things.

The things we hide in the shadows and fuel with shame.

To be vulnerable- which is so important.

I have developed a huge amount of respect for her during our sessions, which means when she holds up the mirror, and I see something I don’t like, something I’ve consciously or unconsciously avoided, I trust that it’s in my best interests to go there.

To feel the hard feelings.

The hurt.

The shame.

The embarrassment.

And spend some time there, unpick a little of the facts with the benefit of hindsight, why it triggered certain feelings, why I reacted how I did

but with her support, I can look at myself and my actions from a place of kindness. Kindness to myself.

Any maybe, just maybe if I can do that, then maybe I can also forgive myself, forgive others, bundle it up into a more palatable memory and file it away.

Somewhere with more peace

less emotion

more understanding.

Comfortably find a way to feel all the emotions, the good, the bad and the ugly, they all have their place, they all teach us something, carry a message.

But we can feel them without attaching to them

Be aware of them without letting them take control

Feel them without recklessly reacting.

This is control

this is power

And it turns out that once I’d worked through the past trauma, the cancer diagnosis at 34, the brutal treatment that followed, the no man's land you’re left in when treatment stops and you’re untethered

let loose

get back on the wheel that is life and carry on as normal

that this kind of support is just as needed in day to day life – big T trauma or not.

We live in a society that offers, demands and expects a lot, we have more choices, more possibilities, more decisions, more opportunity, more responsibilities than we have ever had before.

We have less time, less rest, less peace than before.

In a world where we outsource to make life easier, where a cleaner, a gardener or a babysitter are commonplace to ease the load, why is it not becoming more commonplace to have a counsellor, a coach, a therapist to help you navigate and process the never-ending twists and turns that life throws at us.

And with this realisation, my interest in reflection, health, self-care and taking time for myself piqued, and I have, and still am, discovering some wonderful ways to look after myself, understand myself, nurture myself. And on this journey I am safe in the knowledge that when I come up against an old fear, a trigger, something uncomfortable

I am now equipped to stay there

to be brave and face it head on

Whilst knowing I have support. That I can further process and reflect in my next session, with my ‘gateway’ therapy.

I am still a work in progress, still learning as I go

still making mistakes

living the highs and the lows

but I am now fully present and enjoying the ride, not spending too much time in the future, nor in the past.

Everyone needs their version of a Gabrielle in their life, I encourage you to explore finding yours.