I Retreated

The fact that I am writing this post in November is evidence enough that I do need to practice what I preach a little more……. This post is about the wonderful yoga retreat that I went on in September of this year, the overall point is to remind you how important it is to take time for yourself, to inform you that I remembered the importance of downtime, time to do what lights you up, spending time with no awareness of time, floating, creating, just being.

I returned with the intention to write, to express myself, to tell you in detail about my experiences in the hope it will influence yours…… yet my first piece of writing hasn’t happened until this bright November morning.

These things take practice, do not give up.

So, how did I eventually make it here? I met a wonderful lady at a networking event, she holds space twice a month for people to come and sit, to write, to chat, to help develop and ring-fence that time for an outpouring of words onto paper.

I made it, this is progress.

I learned so much from the retreat, a week in the Portuguese mountains, surrounded by inspiring and beautiful beings, listening to stories of strength and resilience, finding beauty in nature. Walking, swimming, resting, reading, wondering, sitting and, of course, yoga.

Let’s track back to how I got here. During lockdown I started doing yoga online, to clear my head, to give me some kind of routine in the chaos, something positive to come out of the unknown. I did this with the amazing Polly at North & Soul Yoga. One day, she introduced us to Kundalini yoga, a style I had never tried before, outside of my comfort zone- leave my ego at the door I was told, and I certainly had to. By the end of the class, whilst admittedly feeling a little ridiculous, I also felt energised, I knew I needed to try it again. Fast forward 6 months and I’d signed up to a 3-month course with Polly, and I’ve never looked back.

The basic premise of Kundalini yoga is to activate our Kundalini energy, spiritual energy located at the base of our spine. We do this using a combination of stretches, kriyas, mudras, meditation and mantra. It enhances our awareness and allows us to move past our ego. It is like nothing I’ve ever done before, but my god it works for me.

It stretches my body, it calms my mind, it gives me time for reflection, it teaches me patience, it shows me that ‘I can’t do that’ should always be followed by ‘yet’, it teaches me to listen to my body, to love my body, to respect that every day is different, to appreciate and allow for fluctuations, for seasonal variation, for cyclical living which as a female is so important. That some days I will show up and not want to be there, but the mere act of showing up counts, that discipline comes over time, from persistence and from allowing the failures, reflecting on them, and learning from them. That I do not need to understand everything, that I am surrounded by wonder and a little magic.

September of this year marked 10 years since my cancer diagnosis, September of this year was when North & Soul were hosting a retreat in the Portuguese mountains. It felt symbolic, Kundalini yoga had carried me out of the other side of trauma, it allowed me to really heal from it, to make peace with it, to understand it and sit with it. What better way to mark my 10 year cancerversary than to spend it here, allowing myself the acknowledgment of just how much progress I’d made, just how much more in tune with myself I am, just how much more I like myself-  taking the time and the money to go and do this represented that I am worth it, I am worth investing in, I am worth nurturing, I am worth developing.

I booked to go alone, it felt like a challenge that I was ready to face, but as it happened there were familiar faces who went along, and I was surrounded by friends and love.

There was a structure to the day, whilst also allowing a freeness. On reflection, retreating was a lot busier than I thought it might be, but it reminds me that rest is not laying still, binge-watching Netflix, and staying indoors. Rest can be active, challenging, and tiring.

I made the choice to make the most of every opportunity, the first morning I walked out of my room to see the hint of a sunrise in the valley before me, but looking up overhead I could see the stars. There was magic in the air, this was a special place.

Some laps of the bio pool, tentative at first, a little apprehensive about just what it might be that I could feel on my feet, pondweed or water snake- deep breath and a reminder to be brave! Then into the sauna, the contrast feeling amazing, the chats with a friend soothing for the soul. Then to the days Kundalini class, a typical way for me to start the day, but usually, back home, a 20-minute session, maybe a little rushed due to the day ahead, but here in Portugal a full 90 minutes to relax into and benefit from.

Breakfast would be served afterwards, a bell ringing to signify its availability, a helpful prompt allowing you to not need an awareness of time, to just be fully present in the moment, knowing there was nowhere to be and nothing to be missed, it brought a presence of mind, a relaxation that I can’t experience at home.

The rest of the day was mine to use as I saw fit, I walked, I floated, I swam, I rocked gently in a hammock engrossed in lessons from Brene Brown, I was still, calm and present. I felt like my best self, energised yet relaxed. I had conversations with women from all walks of life, differing ages, countries, experiences and viewpoints, but all with an authenticity that was visible, with stories that I needed to hear, with lessons from hurdles that they had overcome. Reminding me of the importance of who we surround ourselves with, with differing viewpoints, stories of adversity, strength and resilience clear. A reminder that I like the characters, those with the experiences, not the perfect beings, the ones with lived stories and battle scars to prove it, those are the people who will help you find your inner strength, remind you of your sparkle, light the fire in your soul, and let you see that you can do the same for them. That your story will inspire them, help them, give them the courage they needed to find, remind them to push on, that where they currently are is not where they need reside forever.

A much-needed reminder that the world is full of wonderfully inspiring people, people outside of your day-to-day, and that this should be explored, like new experiences, the things outside of your comfort zone. New people, new places, new things- they bring a perspective, a new viewpoint, a reminder of your strength, of possibilities and potential forgotten outside of the everyday.

To try new things, to find new people, to explore, to try and to fail. To remember that we are not here to merely chase a goal, a final destination, we are here to be present, to have experiences, to learn, to grow and to evolve. We do not fit in a box, or if we do, that box should change, we are a work in progress, a progression, age does not make us the finished article. I have learned to explore, to try new things, to nourish and nurture myself, and have fun trying.

An evening yoga session and dinner wrapped up the day. At this session we experienced Qi Gong with the wonderful Mizz, another new experience and something to embrace, a traditional Chinese practice, differing from, yet complimentary of, the Kundalini principles, an example of differing viewpoints coming together, that different is not to be feared but embraced and learned from. That two viewpoints can come together and learn from one another, and that we, the participants would be stronger for knowing both.

I suit the retreat lifestyle, it was one of the best experiences I’ve had to date, but I have vowed not to return to life and chase the next retreat- I will chase making my day-to-day life have the same feeling, the same experiences, the same challenges, the same unknown, the same new faces, the daily nurturing with no guilt, I am worth it.

So, to round up, this is what brought me to a writing group at a café in Ilkley, sat around a table with 6 strangers, gradually learning their stories, having a new experience, being this best version of me, challenging and enjoying, making this bright November day something new and exciting, a little out of the ordinary, an experience to be valued.

I may have retreated, but it’s what allowed me to move forward with a newfound perspective, an invigorated sense of curiosity, and a huge appreciation of the experiences and potential that lay ahead of me.  

I shall embrace it.